I used to cycle alone which I love. I joined a cycling club to make friends but after a year or two gave up.

I found that you would not see everyone every week. So you would have the same superficial conversation time after time and not feel like a real connection was made.

The group had a core group of genuine friends, but they maintained quite an in-group which was hard to break into as a dilettante - you'd have to commit to doing group activities multiple times every week.

Also banter and stories seem to be how men bond which I find boring and difficult. Cycling clubs are mostly men but there were some women, but then do you seem like a creep if you try to inveigle yourself in with them?

The best connections I made was with lesbians, who I could chat to most comfortably of all. But in the end we were unlikely to be friends off the bike because our lifestyles were so different. Like how many straight geeky single dads do lesbians want in their friendship group really :D

I guess if you are isolated and feeling like you can't make friends, this seems unlikely, but group based activities of all sorts are a great way to make friends. It's not necessarily instant, but once you've been there a bit, if you make the effort, it happens. It's a matter of realizing as adults that a lot of people (not all) like to make new social connections.

Men, be friends with women. On the whole, they tend to be better at it. If a man can learn to be friends with women he can then form better friendships with men. And be better able to discern which men to bother to pursue friendships with. That was one of my takeaways from this (and also from my actual life).

Unlikely place?

Sport, crafts and language classes/clubs are and have been for a long time the primery way for secular introverts to meet new people.

> For men like me, spin is hard. Not just the workout, but the vulnerability: letting go of competition and leaning into the group, a dying of self so the room can revive. It requires a purging of entire realms of my shitty male points of view, from shaming self-talk to the latent homophobia I encounter within myself when the instructor tells us to dance, to “make it cute.”

This is exactly what I expected from a dude going to a spin class.

What is "unlikely" about this?

>A lonely man in his 30s found community in an unlikely place: bowling club [1995/2000]

Any group activity where you are marginally interested in is a good place to meet people. Trendy spin/fitness class is if you want to meet generally attractive people. Everyone ends up dopamined up and hungry at end of class, good transition into grabbing a bite and shooting the shit. Know many people who goes to Barry's to find dates outside of apps and end up with friends. They hate the exercise, the price, but like the pretty people, many who they don't want to stay friends with.

Opposite view - I cycle and run alone to get away from people.

This is really great and an actual way out of loneliness and low mood. There's no quick fix - join a community, work on your body, and give it enough time.

Also +1 to being platonic friends with women.

I was travelling alone for business one time and the hotel I stayed at gave you access to the full gym next door. I went over just when a spin class was starting. I've never really done it before and thought I'd give it try. It was pretty good but after the class everyone just kind of hung out and introduced themselves. They ended up inviting me out for dinner (which they regularly do together after this class). I went and had a great time. They were just regular people who all just happen to go to this gym and ended up hanging out socially. This is a good thing.

oh hey, wow, a third place. Weird how someone found community there.

What I think is much more interesting is how activities like this and running clubs might be supplanting dating apps for dating. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/13/style/running-clubs-datin...

In most cities CrossFit is a really good, supportive community. I know a few dudes whose entire social circle is built around CrossFit.

One aspect of the 2020 COVID lockdown I found distressing was the complete shutdown of my usual spin classes.

Most of us regulars were on a first-name basis, but did not meet outside the gym: it sufficed to see each other at class. This casual sociability didn't return when the gym restarted the classes. The new attendees aren't as friendly with each other.

The 1991 film _Danzon_ has a poignant narrative about trying to find an acquaintance who has vanished.[1]

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danz%C3%B3n_(film)

> We march through the gym alone, AirPods blasting, not because the Knocked Loose song makes us stronger, but because we think our independence does.

Or maybe "we" go to the gym to exercise, not make friends? When did going to the gym become a social activity? I listen to music to drown out the absolutely awful pop music they play there, not to prevent people from talking to me. I don't assume they're interested in talking to me anyway, and although it's often nice to strike up a conversation with someone, I'm there to train and chit-chatting eats into that and usually leads to equipment-hogging.

Glad this guy found a place he enjoys going and people he likes, but it's kinda shitty and weak that he's trying to turn it into "here's a list of the reasons men and gyms are bad".

Cycling is how I've met most of my friends and acquaintances in the bay area. There's an absolutely massive cycling scene and it covers MTB, gravel, road, and random fun things like bike parties (SF, East Bay, and San Jose each have their own ones).

Anything related to fitness, nutrition, diet, cooking etc is great for friendship/ community building. It's relevant to everyone. You can easily learn things directly relevant to your life from others and before long have useful tips to offer in return. You get comfortable having personal discussions about topics that you care about. Plus anyone who sustains such interests for extended time is not a total slob and makes an effort to take care of themselves and live a good life.

First off: group fitness classes live and die by getting a core of regulars. This class he went to was employing time tested social techniques of getting repeat people. Especially for an a la carte gym.

The all female bent was strange, most lifetime fitness classes are pretty mixed, and spin tends to make more than female. Then again this was the weird dance on bike phenomenon which as a "real" cyclist was always weird to me.

...50 classes to "get" spin? I think he was only going once or twice a week in the beginning, so yeah he didn't improve that fast. People, work out 4-5 times a week, it works really well at developing fitness over 1-2 times, where you won't really stress the body to improve long term.

Unlikely? Isn't this a pretty normal thing?

What a great read.

A buddy of mine just turned 50 and loves going to spin class. He's also an avid bike rider, so that might be part of it.

Works at squaredance lessons too.

A hungry woman in xer 40s found sustenance in an unlikely place: the supermarket.

Dude's problem is confidence, not a lack of spin class.

I'm glad he was finally able to invite himself to a social gathering.

I felt uncomfortable reading this because it feels too desperate. I get wanting to make friends but I would rather talk to someone who is simply self-confident and is doing what they are doing because they enjoy it not because they crave attention. Learn to relax and enjoy life.

A really weird piece in a way because to me a lot of the stuff sounds like it's a post from 40 years ago. From the beginning of the article where he mentioned that every friend has settled in the 'burbs to

"It requires a purging of entire realms of my shitty male points of view, from shaming self-talk to the latent homophobia I encounter within myself when the instructor tells us to dance, to “make it cute."

A guy in his 30s feels "latent homophobia" from dancing? Would be interesting to know where exactly the author hails from. It's great that he found friends in a spinning class but honestly a more general way to deal with this, just move to a big city where people in their 20/30s/40s are available to hang out and men have hobbies?