https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33413909-the-deepest-wel...
I get that's a weird judge-a-book-by-its-cover metric, but it is excellent for working through and understanding those relationships.
Hurt people hurt people.
As in, people who feel they are victims often feel they have the right/necessity to hurt others. It’s a real pattern that is hard to talk about.
People often say that I have a unsavory dark humor, but it's one of the best coping mechanism out there.
My earliest memory is my mother spreading food all over my face because I didn't want to finish my plate. I remember my eyes hurting because of the pepper in it.
My father threatened to shoot the family dog on a weekly basis to make me behave.
I could not leave the house alone until I was around 12, thus making me not socialized. To this day in my 30s I have a hard time forming friendship.
They also threatened me on a daily basis to "give me to CPS". Then they actually did it for two years. I wasn't a delinquent or violent mind you, and didn't do drugs.
They would often bring me in front of the school's psychologist and he would make me cry in front of them, always blaming me, never once asking me what was going on at home.
Once I applied for a job that required a high security clearance. I had to write "all the traumas of your childhood and your adolescence". I filled two pages, one trauma per line, and I just told them that I couldn't be exhaustive because of the sheer quantity.
But I think I can stop here, you get the point.
One of the main thing is the inability of standing up for myself. By default and unless proven otherwise, I'm already convinced that if something bad happens then this is my fault. If someone accuses me of something bogus, I just accept the accusation and apologize. This got me in real deep trouble more than once; fortunately not as an adult.
Also not being able to say "no" and being of hurting people feelings to the point of absurdity.
I could do an AMA in this thread if someone's interested lol
How does the prevalence of traumatized individuals characterize a society as a whole? For example, it seems that a society where the majority are traumatized should be fundamentally different from a society where a minority are traumatized.
https://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm
Silly title, but looks like a serious bit of work. Big study in the UK about ten years ago - 50k people receiving questionnaires, can't remember how many people for closer study, 50 for full day interviews.
Conclusion : sexual fantasy is a coping mechanism for trauma.
Fantasy is a recapitulation, often modified to make it more bearable, of the original trauma.
Fantasy varies between individuals, because trauma varies. Fantasy superficially varies enormously for an individual, but there is always a core theme.
The worst part is knowing no one will ever understand what it feels like to have no right answers.
https://www.amazon.com/Troubled-Memoir-Foster-Family-Social/...
Meanwhile we have known about the devastating effect of interpersonal trauma in childhood and just shrug or worse, say “well that’s how my parents did it and I’m fine.”
Foundationally there is no problem more urgent than eliminating interpersonal alienation at every possible interaction and eliminating alienating systems.
You can’t innovate your way out of the problems a society with no trust causes.
Do the people doing the traumatising typically know they are doing it? Do they typically deny it if confronted?
I studied heavily for two years, they gave me their attention. I read reddit and relationship columns and I recognize the keywords. "Independence", "We must", "Disappeared, ghosted"
See these two videos:
Ignore the username https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b_H0V1-kQbE
Heidi Priebe all vids but specifically this it is titled fearful avoidance but it is for everything https://youtu.be/5jk7PAa8D1o?feature=shared
user igorramazanov gave a great list. If one has trauma such as consistent nightmares avoid reading the "Body keeps the score", it is about cptsd and it is too strong and triggering leave for later. cptsd is relevant to attachment problems but not directly. let me also add another tangentially relevant but very good book about borderline personality disorder "I hate you, don't leave me'
After someone has realized that not knowing why he dislikes all his partners for no reason after while is due to trauma healing can start. It takes 3-5 years of therapy and a secure partner through that journey.
https://janinafisher.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/structur...
A few useful books which helped me with both understanding and healing (there're still problems, but it gets better):
1. Love Sense, Sue Johnson.
2. The Power of Attachment, Diane Pooler Heller.
3. Understanding Disorganized Attachment: Theory and Practice for Working with Children and Adults, David, Shemmings and Yvonne Shemmings.
4. The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk.
5. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Sue Johnson.
6. "Focusing" practice, Eugene Gendlin.
7. How to survive the most critical 5 seconds of your life, Tim Larkin.
The first four lay down foundations, explaining the mechanics, possible solutions, will help in navigating, filtering and planning the healing.
The 5th and 6th are actual healing, former for couples, the latter mostly for individuals.
The last one is about a wisdom of violence embedded into the body of affected individuals which is likely suppressed by the rational part of the mind.