Do not make this about the game. When you talk to him be sure to focus entirely on your concerns about their performance in school and how that will impact their future. But never directly call out the game itself.
In all likelihood he KNOWS that he's not meeting your expectations and knows exactly why, and knows that you know. What good is there to tell them that they're playing too many video games?
Instead, suggest that they spend more time on school and even use funding as a consequence. If they fail, they get X chances, before funding is pulled.
Lastly, I would implore you to figure out why they're more interested in wasting time on roblox. In all likelihood they just haven't found their "thing" yet. It's not your job per se to find it for them, but I would try hard to support whatever path they want to take even if it isn't the one you saw for them.
Does that mean you need to let them waste away on roblox? Of course not. But chances are they're spending so much time on that game because they're unhappy in whatever pursuit they're in now.
https://invisibleup.com/articles/27/
https://gekk.info/articles/adhd.html
https://twitter.com/ErynnBrook/status/1011311249513070594
I am autistic and have ADHD myself so I know a bit about it. If you suspect something it may be worth bringing it up with your kid to see if they care. If they're anything like me they'll care, but if they don't care the situation gets a lot more complicated.
In other words: there's a difference between genuinely wanting to get good grades and not being able to, and blowing it off because you only want to do the bare minimum. I fell into the former bracket. Solutions vary between them.
"Not being able to" doesn't mean not being capable of doing it. It usually means being fully capable of doing it but being unable to actually get your brain to do it because it wants to do something else more. This is a thing and it's called ADHD. It's usually easy to tell when someone has it because they can be incredibly gifted and then barely manage to use that gift (resulting in everyone calling them lazy).
He's an actual psychiatrist from Harvard and has a YT channel focused on mental health for gamers (https://youtube.com/@healthygamergg) but also for parents, https://youtube.com/@healthygamerfamilies
His resources helped me personally, and I'm confident his parent channel is just as good!
Good luck!!
Luckily for me, I went through my "World of Warcraft (private servers of course)" phase in highschool so by the 2nd year of university I had enough time to get it out of my system and gain back the energy to focus on internships and my career. Other people I know that went through this later in life (World of Tanks, League of Legends) did not have the span of time necessary to recover and they ended up dropping out or needing to repeat a year.
What I needed really, right after highschool was a year off, and I mean really "OFF". No pressure, no expectations, just recovery. Unfortunately, many people don't really grasp the concept of mental health. Neither me nor my parents knew about mental health as a concept at the time, so it was pure luck that I got burnt out early and had time to adjust (4 years) before the last year of university where consequences would have been way bigger.
Allow the adult you raised to live their own life. This is not a life-threatening condition.
I wasn't dealing with addictions, but I had my own share of mental health struggles back then. It sounds like you need to seek help from professionals, rather than internet randos.
Teaching someone to be self-motivated is a tricky thing, taking either the nature or nurture side of the debate. Either it is innate, or taught. If taught, I don’t think it’s a quick lesson, rather it takes years.
I know I grew up without much means, and was very motivated to get a “real job” and make “real money” after working through high school and college, mostly full-time. Wasn’t great but it worked out I guess. My spouse has much younger siblings, a wealthy father, and her siblings were in high-level sports their whole childhood. Never worked, wanted for nothing. Trips around the world, etc. One of them dropped out of college and the other two live back at home without a job, having graduated.
I don’t know why I typed that out, hope it helps.
I’m now a PhD with a wife, kids, and a comfy Big Tech job. 3.0 GPA is not the kind of kid I expect to crash and burn like some of my friends. You need to loosen the leash.
Throughout college I watched an absolutely insane amount of TV. I would procrastinate the hell out of every problem set and coding assignment I was given, often staying up until 4am or later to binge watch anything I could find. At the time, I certainly thought I had an addiction, and there were moments when I felt like I needed to just get my shit together and be less lazy and all my problems would go away. This never really happened, and I wasn't close to top of my class, but I still managed to graduate without issue and it didn't hurt me in getting internships/jobs.
With the benefit of hindsight, therapy, and over a decade of distance, I can see very clearly that I was actually struggling with some deep mental health issues (among them: depression, ADHD, and CPTSD) and was leaning heavily on TV as a coping mechanism. My parents were deeply involved in my life growing up to a degree that I believe was very detrimental (and their behavior was absolutely one of the direct causes of the mental health struggles that I'm still dealing with today). During college, this “involvement” often meant giving me lectures about how I was in danger of falling behind my peers because I wasn’t interning at Google (and because when I visited home I defaulted to watching more TV).
You say in your post that your child’s grades are “not great”. In the comments, you say they have a 3.0. There is literally nothing wrong with this. Your child’s grades are fine. My grades were fine too, and my parents similarly disagreed.
My take, based solely on the extremely limited information from this post and my heavy personal bias, is that your child is doing the best they can while dealing with something deeper than a gaming disorder. My advice is to let them be. Be supportive, and trust them to handle their work, education, and emotions in whatever way they think is best. It does not at all sound like they are “throwing away a great educational opportunity” (and again, this is basically what my parents said to me in a similar situation).
I apologize if this comes across as hostile — reading this was admittedly somewhat triggering for me, and despite their flaws, I do believe my parents did what they thought was best. At the same time, their best was sorely lacking. In the off chance my take is correct, I believe being supportive without trying to intervene will probably work out in the long run. If I happen to be wrong, it certainly won’t hurt.
Let them encounter the consequences of their actions and make decisions. If you keep pushing they will grow to not like being around you.
This guy (Frank Niu) isn’t the best but he was addicted to a game, overcame it on his own and went on to get a job in tech.[1]
Complete guess but I’m thinking your child goes to berkeley and I know plenty of smart people who go to berkeley who are addicted to something or another.
They still have 6 more years of brain development left and you have to let them figure out their life on their own.
3.0 is also an (above) average GPA at a public with grade deflation. If you are going to take drastic measures (please don’t), please consider taking them after they fail a few classes.
I personally was addicted to video games (in a similar manor to your child) but I made it out with 0 intervention. I realized that playing video games doesn’t make me happy and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life following what I truly wanted to do. You can’t convince your child of this on your own. Your child has to become self-motivated and likely already knows it’s a problem.
[1] https://www.tiktok.com/@frankniu/video/7293695619519073541
How best to handle this depends on the individuals involved. Some people go through a phase where they need to figure this stuff out for themselves; it's just part of their growing up. Others could use a push. Still others benefit from harsh discipline.
Because your child is 19 and no longer a minor, I would say you have passed the stage of harsh discipline. So some combination of pushing and patience are called for. How exactly you go about this is complicated but I would try pushing a bit and see where things go. Have some hard conversations about school, the internship, how your kid is feeling. They'll probably be unwilling to open up but keep at it, at least a little bit. Consider getting a professional involved if your child is unwilling to talk to you but willing to talk to a shrink. If there's absolutely no openness, don't push too hard.
Finally, remember that it's okay to be figuring this stuff out at 19. Bad grades aren't the end of the world and people who waste their time in college (I did) can still become happy adults with good jobs. People grow up at different rates.
One of my roommates in college got addicted to League of Legends. He'd play it all day long, skip classes, not study, etc.. I don't remember what happened exactly but his mom had to get involved and I think he spent some time back at home (detoxing maybe from constant gaming?) before coming back and being better (even apologized for being the way he was, it's easy to realize how crazy it can get when your on the other side).
Basically, get him out of an environment where gaming is freely available. If not that, at least keep contact and keep the pressure up so that they at least have some influence against the tide.
He's 19, a child who just a year or two ago still lived at home... don't think of yourself as powerless and take the action needed to get him to snap back. Hopefully he's receptive.
EDIT: I think people here who think this is fine are just assuming this is a typical kid gaming at school. If this is seemingly so bad that the OP is going on here, I'd err on the side of the parent having a legitimate concern rather than some helicoptering, especially since it's easy to fall into this trap with a developing mind and in a new environment.
You can also try to talk logic to him. Explain how much you love him and want him to be successful. And you really want him to try quitting the game for “just two weeks” and see what happens.
But if you are still paying for everything, internet included. Cut the funds.
I was also lonely, anxious, and depressed, and lacking the maturity to express it. In any case, no-one asked.
Pretty soon my grades were tanking, and my parents and I were having awful screaming matches. I hated class, life, and my parents, who could only offer housing, funding, and angry punishment.
Eventually there was no way to continue. I dropped out and got a minimum wage job. It took years to find my own way back to computers. I found therapy too, which helped, but my relationship with my parents never fully recovered.
Looking back, I needed an adult who could ask good questions, listen with empathy (not judgement), and provide thoughtful guidance. My parents were not capable of this, in part because of their own upbringing.
I hope you find these skills inside yourself. Here are some example questions to consider asking your child:
- Tell me about this game. What do you like about it?
- Are you friends with the people in the game? How close are you with your IRL friends?
- Are you interested in a relationship with anyone?
- How do you see yourself making money one day? Are there any cool toys you want to buy for yourself?
- etc.
And here are a couple of books to consider reading:
- "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" - almost everything here applies to adults too.
- "Conversationally Speaking" - a general guide on asking good questions with meaningful answers. Some of the examples are awkward but you will get the idea.
Good luck.
My academic career went horribly, but to be fair, I wasn't cut for school. I had problems since the second year of high school and the last year I had this feeling of being completely out of place the entire time (last year of high school is at 19 in Italy).
I wonder he would feek better go straight into work? For me being compensated with knowledge didn't really cut it. I pursued knowledge if I was interested in it, otherwise I would just perform horribly. However whenever I did work that was paid, I would work extra hours and always strive to do the best possible job.
As an adult I'm fairly successful based on my peers (I'm not rich though).
I hope this could be of any help. It's really hard to deal with it.
Was it his choice to get into this top ranked program in the first place or is he still being “groomed” for success?
Forcing major life decisions (even dropping an addiction like gaming) robs an individual of agency and will eventually have them give up as what they know they need to do versus what someone else forces them to do are in contradiction.
Guiding his path will only increase cognitive dissonance with his true self and leave him prepared to navigate your generation not his.
I challenge you to say, know, and do less. Give him space to work it out. You may see the easy solution but the easy solution is not going to work for a complex individual.
As a parent it's important to provide structure, but not excessive pressure which can become debilitating. They're most likely depressed, and I would recommend talking to them about how they're feeling about their life and where they see themselves fitting into rather than trying to force any kind of behavior changes. Ultimately your kid will have to create their own incentive structures that exist outside of their parent's.
I've always wanted to be involved in the game industry, which is why I initially majored in Journalism(LOL, this was over a decade ago before print journalism effectively died) because I loved reading PC gamer, I loved gaming not just for gaming but because I found the creation of games to be so interesting.
I spent a lot of time playing, but also trying to create mods in Age of Empires and StarCraft but never thought about pursuing CS because I was and still am pretty terrible at learning any math/science related concepts, they never seem to 'click' no matter how much time I spend studying.
Point being, your son seems like he's still in a position to succeed. He's only 19, he just needs to find anything that he thinks is cool that he would actually put the effort in to learn and give him the fuel to step away from gaming and start fiddling with games.
It could be 3D rigging/animations, QA, whatever - you should try finding out what he likes so much about roblox or if it is as others have said; and is definitely a possibility that he's just using it as an escape.
Some people (including myself) have a tendency to retreat into games when feeling overwhelmed or when it seems like life is being consumed by responsibilities. In my case the game tends to be WoW, owing to the era in which I was a young adult. As I’ve aged I’ve been able to curb this tendency pretty well, but that can be tough to do before one’s ability to self-regulate has developed.
It might be worth trying to understand where the 19 year old is sitting in this regard. There may be a deeper reason why they’re being pulled into that Roblox tower defense game that needs addressing. Are they happy with where they’re at and what they’re doing? Do they feel like they still have enough time to themselves after taking care of their responsibilities? These are the sorts of questions I’d ask.
Of course it’s also possible that there’s no issues here at all, I obviously don’t know their situation, but it’s something to consider.
Don't share the admin password with the child.
a) addiction leads to child learning about network technologies, pentesting, and how to bypass the router firewall
b) child stops playing
I think both options are a desirable outcome.
And if a) happens there's a lot of possibilities how to make it harder. Install family management software that limits internet time. Install an antivirus tool that blocks roblox binaries. Install an EDR that blocks roblox binaries. Install an exchange server to remove admin capabilities from the local user. Install their smart phones as an enterprise-managed device with MobileIron where they cannot install anything. Etc. pp.
Each level will force them to learn more about how computers work and before you know it they'll learn about programming and cyber security as well :)
My point being that real life is too boring. So make it a game that's a rewarding challenge.
Show him that in real life there is no problem playing video games as long as he knows that you need to have money to support that thing.
2) Which game is it? Roblox is generally geared towards children - it's not exactly a mature game or audience. The gaming sounds like less of an issue than the choice of game. I would actually try to find out more about the game and what interests them about it.
My personal opinion is: hands off, supportive, but make your thoughts known - they are their own person and not every mistake leads to a life of disaster. If they got into a great school, they will land on their feet one way or another. But 19 is pretty old to have a video game issue, so it might be a symptom of other problems.
I went to one of the EECS programs you mentioned, and the workload and stress that gets piled onto you is pretty intense. Just keeping my head above water was tough, and a B average GPA is honestly not something to worry about unless they want to go to grad school. I also played a ton of games, not only for stress relief, but also because my social circle was all online and we interacted via gaming. I imagine it’s similar for your kid.
Of course, if it keeps developing into something unhealthy, maybe it’s worth bringing up. But an EECS program is basically an unhealthy situation to begin with, so you’re going to see all sorts of coping behaviors. At least it’s not alcohol or weed. :)
They're probably using the game to escape. Just tell them you support whatever they do, and help them try different things until they find what they are interested in.
I wouldn't worry about it. You never know what direction it will take them.
Aside from your perspective on their grades and time spent gaming, you don't list any other details...
If you wanted to discuss this in more detail with someone younger feel free to reach out, happy to chat.
Video games are not inherently bad. They become a problem only when they’re getting in the way of your other life goals.
So, the best place to start is by asking your son: what do you want to achieve over the next 3-4 years?
Then, try to help him figure out the best way to spend his time to achieve those goals.
I feel strongly that the starting point of the conversation should be alignment around the fact that there isn’t anything inherently wrong with video games. Not only is this the truth, it also establishes that you aren’t judging him.
For an addiction to gaming, a good way to do this could be to go off-grid in a multiple week wilderness program such as NOLS.
After that, it could likely take multiple months before they could recover alone safely, and, even after that, they may need a sponsor or at least a therapist to help for years possibly.
He should approach the school, explain his issues and ask for a semester or two off. He’s not going to have a choice sooner or later.
Just to share that option.
So one thing to do is to ask yourself: Why would they dislike their internship and so much? Did they want that internship with that company? Are they doing a degree that matches their interests, or are they doing it because it's "good for their future"? I'd ask if they have any hobbies, but clearly they don't have any that you recognize as such, so instead I'll ask if you've ever prevented them from pursuing a hobby because it was a "distraction" or "expensive" or it "wouldn't get them a job". I'm not saying that you're necessarily wrong about, say, teaching history not being stable employment, but I am saying that maybe they'd be throwing themselves into a performing arts or english degree in a way that they aren't engaged with an engineering degree. And why are they living in your house while doing a degree and internship, anyway? Have you "known" where they were going to go to school long enough to have moved there years ago, or did you move to follow them when they selected a school? Would they be hanging out with their friends in the evening if they lived in the dorms?
Whatever comes out of that, be very careful how you talk to them about it. It'd be all too easy for them to repeat back what you've been pushing at them their entire life, reinforcing the stresses that they're seeking to escape. Get them a counselor or therapist and then guarantee them the privacy they need to discuss their problems honestly and openly with that counselor or therapist, without you hovering over them. Like. Leave and go grocery shopping during their appointment. And whatever you do, don't cut off the video games; if they weren't gaming right now, they'd probably be doing drugs or joining a gang or the like.
Source: I internalized expectations from my parents and mentors that were not realistic or healthy and have struggled with them my entire adult life. I find myself using video games to escape from stress and burnout.
My mother assumed my father wasn't doing any coursework when they started dating, because he got it all done at school. She was quite surprised he had decent grades.
Either you're not looking at this clearly, or it's actually quite impressive that they can spend no time on school and still get ok grades.
No matter what they will push back to maintain the addiction with much greater force and energy than you have to challenge them to improve. There is nothing you can say to them that will set them straight, because every attempt to softly compromise is an opportunity for them to either passively ignore you or actively resist you. That is the irrational nature of addiction.
If this was easily solved you would have solved it already. As a result there is nothing you can do to compromise towards a balanced solution, so you have to cut them off from the source of addiction.
I guess I can safely recommend that you seek help from professionals and not randos on the Internet. Or maybe get help from people who have been down the same road before. Either way, yes, you must do something.
Start with videos, your son will likely resonate with them.
https://www.youtube.com/@HealthyGamerGG
Further, there’s guides and even coaching to help.
I have no affiliation with them other than as someone who has benefitted tremendously from everything on offer.
Definitely treat this like an addiction. If something, chemical, behavioral, or otherwise is causing your life to suffer, it’s an addiction.
I would guess your child gets more positive feeling from the game than life.
It can take a little time, but there is hope and a healthy way through.
On a related note, my college roommate was exactly the same way. He failed out of college. He worked for a very large game studio by starting at the absolute bottom and then eventually headed a new game category of the type of game he frequently played in college.
He now runs a game studio of his own making multiples of what I do.
As parents, it’s hard to watch a child take a different path than you would expect would be optimal for them, but sometimes they can surprise you by getting out of the local optima you find yourselves in and branch out to something new.
Good luck to you. From someone who previously suffered this same thing, I wish you all the best.
You should definitely talk to a psychologist if you can't convince him yourself.
The Epicureans taught that pleasure should be sustainable. He won't be able to sustain his gaming if he keeps neglecting his education. So this argument might reach him. Good luck.
It’s honestly a little weird that you’re this into your child’s business after they’ve gone off to college, especially since this doesn’t even seem like a major crises (drug or alcohol problem, major psychiatric crisis) that I saw a ton of people go through in college.
Assuming they’re not failing, that they even got an internship after their first year shows a ton of initiative. I wouldn’t be too worried.
It does sound like you might be a helicopter parent though. In that case, did they get this internship largely of their own initiative or is it something you pushed them into?
If you're setting out to pursue a degree program at the "status" schools in 2024, or any for that matter, you're going to be doing it quite optimistically. The apparent reality is that at-best you'll be competing with every other competitive rich person in a wildly over-saturated try-hard market (at present) for what are pretty isolating and potentially miserable, but hypothetically high-paying roles. I would not be shocked if students are starting to question the boomerisms of the last half-century that indicated if you just worked hard and got good grades you'll be successful, because that's all a heap of bs, it's just more visible now. In my city and many others, you'd have to get and keep an unrealistic level of luck over an extended period of time AND work quite hard to the point of burnout in order to... get like a 1 bedroom condo. Imagine if you've grown up in the suburbs and have gone straight to school, have no close friends, no romantic prospects, no options; this is what many 30+ y.o people are going through. If I was looking at that as my outcome at age 19, which I may not have because I wasn't that observant, I might just not care too much what my grade on some trite exam is promising to do for me.
Imagine grinding for years, graduating with $200k in debt or something (idk, not American, seems like your private education institutions are a pyramid scheme), and then still spending years in the basement of your parents place because it's impossible to find a job _at_all_, let alone one that would help you actually form the basis of a functional adult life. Maybe you OP graduated during the 2008 recession or the dot-com boom, that's like 1/4 of the way there in terms of existential dread if you're getting started now, but maybe most of it if you're one of the hundreds of thousands of people with years in their professions who can't even get a call back.
These thoughts are in addition to the others in this thread, but how relevant they are depends on who your kid is. I personally have never and will never respond to external pressures in the best of times, so I tend to question the source of motivation of the people attempting to apply the pressure, because usually they don't understand how someone wouldn't respond.
I literally cannot imagine performing well in school unless I deeply felt it would map to a better future, and I'd presume a smart kid would need a wise parent to help them navigate that in the least-hands-on way possible.
My parents have one child that doesn't talk to them (myself) and as soon as my siblings are financially independent it'll be all three. I see echoes of what my parents did in what you're saying... unsure if my perception is accurate or not. A couple years ago my parents asked me, quite frankly, "what did we do wrong, why does your sister talk to you about all this stuff and not us, how can we support her like you're doing - because what we're trying doesn't work." They didn't take my advice, but maybe you will.
Your child is an adult. I know they don't seem like one; the 19 year olds I know certainly don't. But they are, and you _have_ to treat them like one. In my experience, people rise or fall to the level of your expectations. This means you ask how they're doing, you listen, and you _don't_ try and fix the problems right away. You really have to listen, I can't overstate this. You may offer advice or help, but never force it. Better yet, ask what they need instead of guessing, and then LISTEN. If they say "get off my back," then do it (ask "what does that look like, concretely?"). Build the trust that you'll be there in the ways they want. When they say "xyz is really rough", say "I went through some similar things, would you like to hear about that?" and not "let's sit down and make a plan to fix this, it's going to heavily impact your future." They have their own goals now. They will make mistakes. Please try and see yourself as a mentor, or even a peer, rather than just a parent.
My parents were overly involved in ways that made school so much more stressful than it needed to be. Participating in every parent group, tracking my location at all times, getting on me about grades constantly. It didn't help me build the skills I needed to, and I dropped out of college (a top 10 university!) after the first year. That's so much worse than getting a 3.0. What's gotten me to the level of achievement I have in my career is _not_ the stuff they really hammered in was important, but the messing around in my own time on stuff I was passionate about, and the connections I made entirely online.
I cannot speak much to the emotional work you will have to do. It is extremely difficult seeing someone you love going down a path you think is bad for them, and worse when you feel there is nothing you can really do without making it worse. I went through this recently with a partner struggling with addiction. I think the most important takeaway I have is that you can't make it about yourself and your desire to help, not to them at least. It's about nonjudgemental presence, support in the ways they say they need (and not the ways _you_ want to feel supportive), and offering options they might not have thought of - but only occasionally.
I'm going to be brutally honest here because you seem to be open to it: Kids who reach adulthood without any practice adulting tend to become overwhelmed by the sudden onset of real responsibility, and it's not uncommon for that to lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms, with video games being one of the most benign. In this context, since you're asking and clearly still extremely involved in your adult child's life, I strongly suspect that this is exactly what's going on here (though obviously I could be wrong!).
If I'm right, managing their life for them and trying to solve their problems with university will provide a band-aid, but won't address the root of the problem. You might get them through uni and have them fall apart when they get into a career or a relationship. At this point you have to let go—it's too late to make the transition to adulthood smooth, but better a bumpy transition at 19 than complete failure to launch.